lost | found | love | stay
you know there’s a time for when you feel you want to get lost
like you wanted to get away from people
but there comes a time when you feel you want to get found
you want to get found so badly not because it was a bad experience being lost but because you feel missed out on what everyone calls love. this is the time you understand. you understand that you wanted to get lost only because you didn’t receive love in the first place. you understand. and, this is why everything starts confusing you. because now, you don’t feel lonely in a crowd, you feel wholesome. you’ve built such fables in your head that you don’t even stop to see whether someone loves you or not. you made yourself like that. it took you years. it took you years to not question the love-me-love-me-nots because you figured out too early it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter because they can stop loving you or start loving you less with time. it doesn’t matter because love, you thought, is something you could do without. something you thought you’d think about when the time comes. no, of course not in the boring way of everything has a time and age way but in an i-don’t-have-time-to-think-about-it-now way. everything is confusing you right now because you understand that you always had the time to fall in love. you just didn’t have the strength. and, it breaks you to know this now because now you understand. now you understand that love needs to be loved. it breaks you because you realize you don’t know a single thing about loving. all you want is love and all you don’t know is love. it feels terrible. it makes you feel terrible. it makes you remember how ever since you were a child, you have never felt love that stayed with you. you know, love came, always, in the form of your english teacher at school, in the form of that little baby who stopped crying the moment you picked them up and talked to them besides the usual gibberish. but then miss kept on teaching and you had to study more math and the baby, his mother took him away with a smile more precious than your lonesome words. you see, now you understand that you have never seen love stay. and this is why you can’t handle all the confusion anymore. how are you supposed to act like you’re cool about the people who genuinely seem nice? how are you not supposed to sound desperate when you feel you could beg for it? you seem to understand that not all genuinely nice people are your people but you still fall for anyone and everyone who seems nice. and this is why you want to be found. you want to be found. for someone to tell you that love is more than nice and that it can and does stay at times. this is why.
